Rules for Modern Life
In Praise of Small Gestures
They say that the type of person who buys a book on manners is the last person who needs to read a book on manners. At least that was the thinking back when everything felt less coarse, and people weren’t conducting FaceTime calls at full volume in crowded restaurants. Were we ever so innocent?
People fear manners are going downhill—that’s the natural condition, and existed a hundred years ago. Kingsley Amis thought everything went wrong in England when they started to let women in pubs, for goodness sake. But something is off. It’s a combination of technology, which makes people indifferent to those around them, to more crowded travel conditions, which allows people to think it’s everybody for themselves, to a certain self-centeredness, which is sadly part of modern life.
And yet we persist. I still believe it’s worth maintaining a better standard, even in our own small way. More than once I’ve seen well-dressed young men in airports complimented by the staff, who are pleasantly surprised somebody still makes such an effort. It’s a reminder that these gestures are a form of kindness to strangers, and something worth aspiring to.
So here are some guidelines that can keep us all honest as we fight the good fight.
1/ Tipping well is a life decision.
2/ Please don’t enter a restaurant talking on a phone.
3/ Being good with names is a question of effort.
4/ No toast has ever been too short.
5/ Be not the first man to recline his seat.
6/ FaceTiming in public is antisocial.
7/ You’re not going to make friends monopolizing the overhead bin.
8/ If you’re in an empty restaurant you can ask them to turn the music down. If it’s full then you’re on your own and can remember for next time.
9/ You’ll always wish you packed less.
10/ Nobody feels better after a buffet.
11/ Carrying small bills makes tipping easier.
12/ Always bring something to a dinner party. If your host has the menu set then bring a gift. A bottle of champagne will do.
13/ Waiters should tell you price of specials. But there’s nothing wrong with asking the market price of something if they don’t (especially if it involves truffles).
14/ Don’t lie to your tailor, fishing guide, doctor, caddy or mother. They’ll know the truth soon enough.
15/ Your bag is part of you and if it hits somebody then apologize. (Another reason not wear a backpack.)
16/ Bringing hot food on an airplane is criminal.
17/ Don’t smoke cigars around strangers who aren’t.
18/ Once you lay down on the airport floor you can’t go any lower.
19/ If you had a great meal tell the waiter and the host. If you had a great hotel stay tell the people at the desk.
20/ You’re old enough to give money to a charity or arts organization, even if it’s $25.
21/ No matter your level of expertise, don’t order wine without consulting the rest of the table. Unless you’re hosting and settling the tab.
22/ Every handwritten note is appreciated. Get good stationery if it helps motivate you.
23/ If the hotel concierge was helpful then put 20 euros in an envelope and hand it to him at the end of your stay.
24/ Salary and rent are private matters (but be assured that most people feel one is too low and the other too high).
25/ If you need something in a restaurant don’t ask the first person passing by. Wait until your waiter returns.
26/ A napkin is not a handkerchief.
27/ A logo doesn’t impresses anybody you want to impress.
28/ Don’t save a seat in a crowded bar.
29/ When you can afford to hire a housekeeper then try it.
30/ When recommending books have some slim favorites around 200 pages. Like The Primary Colors, A Month in the Country, Everyday Drinking or The Shooting Party.